Words Without Eyes

Gloved hands I do not want to touch it the bloody flesh keeping me from lunch swishing and swirling of gloved hands it isn't my calling to surgically remove hearts I've left then on the steel table I've accidentally taken one home thinking it was a part of me Today was rough. I just rested and took it easy all day.

Nothing makes sense while everything comes together. It's such a weird place to be. I'm excited to learn. I'm excited to have my energy back, but at the same time, I miss the boring. This, all this, is/was a wake up call. A it-can-all-be-wiped-away-but-your-words-are-forever kinda wake up call. And the pain, it hit so deep, I cried for days. I cried loud and quiet and screamed and left and reached out for clarity, but no one could give me anything because no one really knows what's really going on. They comfort and stand by me and love me while I writhe and drown in my own wake up call. So, when do the rules of reality cross over into fantasy and when does fantasy break the rules of reality. Is there really no etiquette? The boundaries just aren't clear and this is where I get so flustered. There should be rules, but then again, there are none with God, are there? Beside the laws of the universe, of course. Water is water, and cubes are cubes, and space has no o...

I am a private person. I don't like to trust just anyone. With that being said, I am transparent, especially in my writing. At one point my opinions may change and I always try to acknowledge that in my writing. The reason why I acknowledge that is because I am always learning and trying to understand new thoughts and concepts. I always like to look at situations and think, ok, but what if I'm wrong. So the point to all this is I was thinking why are my words worth listening to? Does my honesty and transparency make me better than a liar? Absolutely, not. We are both human and full of error. But, does that make my words carry more weight than a liar? Weight as in, I will try my best to convey what happened or explain the perception that makes most sense to me. Not with the idea that I would hold absolute truth. No no. So whose words hold more weight, the honest man or the liar? The right answer should be the honest man. However, it seems in this world, people prefer the ...

Things have calmed down. I almost don't want to say anything so I can appreciate the peace but I can't not say anything. I'm one who likes to take action or be proactive especially when it comes to how I will act in the future. I try my best to make the world work in favor of my situation. It definitely doesn't always work. Here's an example. I get tons of anxiety when I go to Disney world since it's like a childhood dream. So the anxiety makes digestion slow down. The night before I eat a healthy dinner, then eat a small breakfast later in the day. It helps so I don't have a stomach ache all day. That's just a small logical example not really. Writing helps me in so many ways. And reading helps me sleep. I always pack those two things if I'm going to be somewhere. Being proactive can be a lifesaver That's for sure.

I'm unsure if I'm okay at this point. I mean, today, I was calm and secure. Scared, but with the awareness of it. I have questions like, why now? Of all the times to act out, why while I'm incapacitated. I say incapacitated not because I am weak and helpless, but because nursing a baby ties me to a huge responsibility. I can't explain much more than that. I would have been in a better place with all this if I didn't feel so restrained. I also know, if it wasn't one thing, it would be another. That is the line that gets me through. That and being like water: adaptable, strong, and consistent. Allowing myself to flow through this storm. This grounds me. It brings me to a place where regardless of the circumstance, I'm still water. I will not be changed, I will be water. I'm still sad. I'm still confused and feeling every chaos particle. With that, I am feeling more calm and secure since I've taken this idea into practice.  Here's to gr...