Words Without Eyes

Nothing makes sense while everything comes together. It's such a weird place to be. I'm excited to learn. I'm excited to have my energy back, but at the same time, I miss the boring. This, all this, is/was a wake up call. A it-can-all-be-wiped-away-but-your-words-are-forever kinda wake up call. And the pain, it hit so deep, I cried for days. I cried loud and quiet and screamed and left and reached out for clarity, but no one could give me anything because no one really knows what's really going on. They comfort and stand by me and love me while I writhe and drown in my own wake up call. So, when do the rules of reality cross over into fantasy and when does fantasy break the rules of reality. Is there really no etiquette? The boundaries just aren't clear and this is where I get so flustered. There should be rules, but then again, there are none with God, are there? Beside the laws of the universe, of course. Water is water, and cubes are cubes, and space has no o...

Things have calmed down. I almost don't want to say anything so I can appreciate the peace but I can't not say anything. I'm one who likes to take action or be proactive especially when it comes to how I will act in the future. I try my best to make the world work in favor of my situation. It definitely doesn't always work. Here's an example. I get tons of anxiety when I go to Disney world since it's like a childhood dream. So the anxiety makes digestion slow down. The night before I eat a healthy dinner, then eat a small breakfast later in the day. It helps so I don't have a stomach ache all day. That's just a small logical example not really. Writing helps me in so many ways. And reading helps me sleep. I always pack those two things if I'm going to be somewhere. Being proactive can be a lifesaver That's for sure.

I'm unsure if I'm okay at this point. I mean, today, I was calm and secure. Scared, but with the awareness of it. I have questions like, why now? Of all the times to act out, why while I'm incapacitated. I say incapacitated not because I am weak and helpless, but because nursing a baby ties me to a huge responsibility. I can't explain much more than that. I would have been in a better place with all this if I didn't feel so restrained. I also know, if it wasn't one thing, it would be another. That is the line that gets me through. That and being like water: adaptable, strong, and consistent. Allowing myself to flow through this storm. This grounds me. It brings me to a place where regardless of the circumstance, I'm still water. I will not be changed, I will be water. I'm still sad. I'm still confused and feeling every chaos particle. With that, I am feeling more calm and secure since I've taken this idea into practice.  Here's to gr...